BAKED!

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Several seasons have passed, I've travelled all over the place, eaten some incredibly disturbing food, discovered more best music ever, started to learn German, bought too many records, drawn a lot of (but not enough) drawings, danced with penguins, played chess with squirrels and what was it that made me finally post here again? What astounding, shocking revelatory event slapped me around the face and brought me back here?

Well I'll tell you.
I was in Kaiser's the other day and I saw they sell HEINZ BAKED BEANS. To think of all the times I almost violated the maximum baggage weight flying back from London with 6 cans in my suitcase when all along the answer simply lay on Schonhauser Allee!

It's such good news it's almost deeply upsetting - in a good way!
And they even have a German label.
Why do they have a German label though?
Surely no Germans eat them.
I've only seen Germans laugh at them.
Maybe that's why they buy them.
Bored Germans needing something to laugh at in the kitchen?

HERE is Spring.

It all happened so quickly.
Mauer Park this morning on my way to work.
I swear you could almost hear the leaves unfurling like in some eerie timelapse film.
Why is spring called spring?
Because it's BOUNCY!

Schlager Army

Ah, fewer things are stranger than another culture's collective nostalgia for something they actually want to forget. But can't. Living here in Germany, my own nostalgia for the weird television of my childhood is meaningless to anyone but me. I can't share it. So I'm actively trying to find connections to the childhood memories of my German contemporaries - to gain access to the the collective cultural consciousness of Germany! No more lonely memories.

"Disco" was a popular music show here in the 70s and 80s that mixed international pop hits with the domestic Schlager musical terror. the more I hear schlager from this period, the more I'm convinced that it was actually a clever invention of the German avant-garde elite.

In this clip you'll see schlager singer Tony Marshall (?) leading an hysterical marching, clapping conga line of guests into the show, including a fairly enthusiastic ABBA at the front. Just when you think it's about to end, it starts again with double intensity. No escape. My favourite moment has to be around 1:22 when two surly youths stubbornly fold their arms instead of clapping (probably communist radicals). And look out for the policewoman posing as a dancer, standing on the piano and freaking out around 3:08!

As I said, soon I'll be able to actually remember this from my childhood, even though I was definitely elsewhere at the time.

Scottish New Year Special

The new year began just over two weeks ago, in a small wooden cabin somewhere in the Scottish highlands. Here's the first sunrise of 2009. It's official!
I'm back in Berlin now, and as far as I can tell, the sun has yet to rise.
One must be patient with these things.

Nothing Rhymes with Porridge

So, here is winter in Berlin. Winter is here. No doubt about it.
But where's the snow? At the moment, the weather's pretty much like London - but worse! Cycling through the city, miniscule droplets of freezing water vapor crystalize on my face making me grimace like a confused gargoyle, but at least the pedestrians turn and flee when they see me trundling towards them.

A few weeks ago, a worrying thought occurred to me.
"No porridge in Berlin. I need porridge. Winter come. Need porridge. Must find porridge". Seriously - that's exactly how it occurred, word for word.

And find porridge I did. Except here it's called Kölln Flocken. The bag that I've almost finished is called Kölln Flocken anyway. Not sure if they're all called that, or even exactly what it means. Maybe each bag has a different name. Modern art. That's ok, I'll memorise the colours instead. Maybe it means "flakes of Cologne", in which case I should probably go to a doctor tomorrow.

So yes, it's exactly the same as porridge and exactly as cheap as it should be, it works out at about 7c a bowl, not that I'm trying to save money or anything. Of course not!
Spend! spend! spend!
It's tough to make porridge LOOK attractive though - hence the candles.
Nice huh? I do it every day!

PSYCHEDELIC PSUPERMARKT!

So there I was the other evening cycling up Fehrbelliner Strasse on my way home, remembering that we needed some more bread. Magically a Kaiser's supermarket appeared ahead, its big red sign glowing through the mist, a beacon of grocery shining through the foggy Berlin night.
They had plenty of bread in stock, and I bought some milk too, but the real bonus was they they now have a PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTSHOW instead of a delicatessen counter! Don't ask me why, ask them! Call up Kaiser's headquarters and say "Excuse me, but is there a reason why you're trying to recreate the UFO Club circa 1967?". On second thoughts, don't mention it at all, it's probably some secret thing the employees have - a wednesday after-hours ACID ROCK PARTY.
This week's star guests, The Grateful Bread.

Anti Yuppie Graffiti in Berlin (Yups & Downs)

This is something I've seen a lot in Berlin. On the surface it looks like Anti Yuppie graffiti - anyone can see that. Graffiti by people who hate yuppies.
But I have my suspicions. Could it be that the culprits are the yuppies themselves? Is it possible that this angry brigade wishing to cleanse Berlin of all yuppiness are in fact none other than the yuppies they claim to hate?
My theory then, is that this is nothing more than some sort of urban "exterior design" sport enjoyed by genuine yuppies who are disappointed that the vibrant and slightly dodgy inner city areas they moved to have started to look too tidy and well, normal. Gotta keep up appearances! Gotta keep the place looking "urban"! Undercover urban yuppie activists - that's it.

Here's a favourite of mine. Near a car park in Prenzlauer Berg.
One or two yuppie-type cars there, clearly driven by the yuppies responsible for this very "authentic" urban scrawl.


And the person responsible for this one is clearly someone used to writing a lot of CHEQUES.


Here's rather half-hearted attempt in Kreuzberg, written with Tipp-Ex, from the office dear!


A nice little stencil number with made up language.
So LAST YEAR, so YUPPIE!

I think I'm onto something.

SAME SUN SETS

Do people really visit blogs to look at pets, children, family holidays or kitchens?
I think not. Sunsets fall into the same category. No-one goes on the internet to look at sunsets - why should they? It's just a bloody sunset!

But think of this as an intermission. A little pause. You're here on my blog and while you're on your way to look at something else... "oh look! A lovely sunset!". Ah how nice.

This very bloody sunset took place on Frankfurter Allee two weeks ago. I like Frankfurter Allee a lot, but I think I may be in the minority. What makes this sunset important is that it marked THE END OF SUMMER. I've started wearing gloves.

schmalz? ... SCHMALZ!

Until very recently I had no idea that something actually called SCHMALZ even existed.
It's been lurking in the fridge for weeks. Looked innocent enough, but with huge potential for being hideous. In addition, none of The Germans could adequately describe what it really was, other than"it's Schmalz!".

So what's it like?
Not bad. Nice even.
It tastes like fried onions!
How about that then?

RINTI TIN

A very definite joy about moving abroad is the constant barrage from your new country's advertising agencies. Sometimes the message is clear (in Germany, it's difficult to misinterpret some ads, they're so blatant) and sometimes almost nothing makes sense and the feeling of confusion is hard on the brainbox.

So, here's a billboard that was pasted up last night on Behmstrasse.

WHAT HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
At first I assumed it was an Animal Rights charity, with the familiar red/white/black colours and strangely clinical atmosphere. But no, I THINK it's a genuine ad for dog food! It's very very sinister. The white tiled background - what's that, a kitchen? A slaughterhouse? A butcher's? The slaughterhouse/ butcher theme is pushed even harder with meathook device... the dog looks absolutely teased to distraction and you can just imagine the pool of drool on the slaughterhouse. All that's missing is dripping blood. Pretty clever.


I can't recall an ad for dog food that makes such intense use of base canine meat lust! Not cutesy-wutesy at all. The dog doesn't even look like a pet here... he's a predator!

Or is it a completely left-field clever clever postmodernistic parody thing that I'm just not getting?