SNOWBLINDED!

Astounding effect created by sprinkling 150,000 tonnes of talcum powder over Kotbusser Tor from hot air balloons.

After what seemed like months of miserable rain, probably because it rained miserably for months, WINTER has stamped its frozen flippers and whitewashed the city. It's like the washing powder adverts on tv where the housewife holds up a large European city in the sunshine and exclaims "I never knew Warsaw could be this white!" (or it may have been a bedsheet).

Skalitzer Strasse - boy band approaching fast.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is that it snowed this morning and I love it. "weather experts" predict minus 14 for tonight. One thing's for sure, I'm going to be filling my shoes with hot porridge.

Victim Of Senseless Nostalgia

I was just in the supermarkt (exciting, thrilling life) and noticed these "English Style" (because of course they don't have them anywhere else in Britain) Salt and Vinegar crisps.
I couldn't help it, I fell into a sort of drooling hypnosis and bought them.
I made three big mistakes.
Mistake 1:
I should've been warned off by the word "chips".
Mistake 2:
Salt & Vinegar crisps NEVER come in red bags.
Mistake 3:
I'm not known as "the Karlheinz Stockhausen of food" so I should stop experimenting.


Next time I will be buying the Scottish, Welsh or Irish style ones.

I shall not be buying them again, ever. Nauseating.
Although I ate half of them (reflex action).
Please excuse me while I go and incinerate the remnants of the pack.

BAKED!

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Several seasons have passed, I've travelled all over the place, eaten some incredibly disturbing food, discovered more best music ever, started to learn German, bought too many records, drawn a lot of (but not enough) drawings, danced with penguins, played chess with squirrels and what was it that made me finally post here again? What astounding, shocking revelatory event slapped me around the face and brought me back here?

Well I'll tell you.
I was in Kaiser's the other day and I saw they sell HEINZ BAKED BEANS. To think of all the times I almost violated the maximum baggage weight flying back from London with 6 cans in my suitcase when all along the answer simply lay on Schonhauser Allee!

It's such good news it's almost deeply upsetting - in a good way!
And they even have a German label.
Why do they have a German label though?
Surely no Germans eat them.
I've only seen Germans laugh at them.
Maybe that's why they buy them.
Bored Germans needing something to laugh at in the kitchen?

HERE is Spring.

It all happened so quickly.
Mauer Park this morning on my way to work.
I swear you could almost hear the leaves unfurling like in some eerie timelapse film.
Why is spring called spring?
Because it's BOUNCY!

Schlager Army

Ah, fewer things are stranger than another culture's collective nostalgia for something they actually want to forget. But can't. Living here in Germany, my own nostalgia for the weird television of my childhood is meaningless to anyone but me. I can't share it. So I'm actively trying to find connections to the childhood memories of my German contemporaries - to gain access to the the collective cultural consciousness of Germany! No more lonely memories.

"Disco" was a popular music show here in the 70s and 80s that mixed international pop hits with the domestic Schlager musical terror. the more I hear schlager from this period, the more I'm convinced that it was actually a clever invention of the German avant-garde elite.

In this clip you'll see schlager singer Tony Marshall (?) leading an hysterical marching, clapping conga line of guests into the show, including a fairly enthusiastic ABBA at the front. Just when you think it's about to end, it starts again with double intensity. No escape. My favourite moment has to be around 1:22 when two surly youths stubbornly fold their arms instead of clapping (probably communist radicals). And look out for the policewoman posing as a dancer, standing on the piano and freaking out around 3:08!

As I said, soon I'll be able to actually remember this from my childhood, even though I was definitely elsewhere at the time.

Scottish New Year Special

The new year began just over two weeks ago, in a small wooden cabin somewhere in the Scottish highlands. Here's the first sunrise of 2009. It's official!
I'm back in Berlin now, and as far as I can tell, the sun has yet to rise.
One must be patient with these things.

Nothing Rhymes with Porridge

So, here is winter in Berlin. Winter is here. No doubt about it.
But where's the snow? At the moment, the weather's pretty much like London - but worse! Cycling through the city, miniscule droplets of freezing water vapor crystalize on my face making me grimace like a confused gargoyle, but at least the pedestrians turn and flee when they see me trundling towards them.

A few weeks ago, a worrying thought occurred to me.
"No porridge in Berlin. I need porridge. Winter come. Need porridge. Must find porridge". Seriously - that's exactly how it occurred, word for word.

And find porridge I did. Except here it's called Kölln Flocken. The bag that I've almost finished is called Kölln Flocken anyway. Not sure if they're all called that, or even exactly what it means. Maybe each bag has a different name. Modern art. That's ok, I'll memorise the colours instead. Maybe it means "flakes of Cologne", in which case I should probably go to a doctor tomorrow.

So yes, it's exactly the same as porridge and exactly as cheap as it should be, it works out at about 7c a bowl, not that I'm trying to save money or anything. Of course not!
Spend! spend! spend!
It's tough to make porridge LOOK attractive though - hence the candles.
Nice huh? I do it every day!

PSYCHEDELIC PSUPERMARKT!

So there I was the other evening cycling up Fehrbelliner Strasse on my way home, remembering that we needed some more bread. Magically a Kaiser's supermarket appeared ahead, its big red sign glowing through the mist, a beacon of grocery shining through the foggy Berlin night.
They had plenty of bread in stock, and I bought some milk too, but the real bonus was they they now have a PSYCHEDELIC LIGHTSHOW instead of a delicatessen counter! Don't ask me why, ask them! Call up Kaiser's headquarters and say "Excuse me, but is there a reason why you're trying to recreate the UFO Club circa 1967?". On second thoughts, don't mention it at all, it's probably some secret thing the employees have - a wednesday after-hours ACID ROCK PARTY.
This week's star guests, The Grateful Bread.

Anti Yuppie Graffiti in Berlin (Yups & Downs)

This is something I've seen a lot in Berlin. On the surface it looks like Anti Yuppie graffiti - anyone can see that. Graffiti by people who hate yuppies.
But I have my suspicions. Could it be that the culprits are the yuppies themselves? Is it possible that this angry brigade wishing to cleanse Berlin of all yuppiness are in fact none other than the yuppies they claim to hate?
My theory then, is that this is nothing more than some sort of urban "exterior design" sport enjoyed by genuine yuppies who are disappointed that the vibrant and slightly dodgy inner city areas they moved to have started to look too tidy and well, normal. Gotta keep up appearances! Gotta keep the place looking "urban"! Undercover urban yuppie activists - that's it.

Here's a favourite of mine. Near a car park in Prenzlauer Berg.
One or two yuppie-type cars there, clearly driven by the yuppies responsible for this very "authentic" urban scrawl.


And the person responsible for this one is clearly someone used to writing a lot of CHEQUES.


Here's rather half-hearted attempt in Kreuzberg, written with Tipp-Ex, from the office dear!


A nice little stencil number with made up language.
So LAST YEAR, so YUPPIE!

I think I'm onto something.

SAME SUN SETS

Do people really visit blogs to look at pets, children, family holidays or kitchens?
I think not. Sunsets fall into the same category. No-one goes on the internet to look at sunsets - why should they? It's just a bloody sunset!

But think of this as an intermission. A little pause. You're here on my blog and while you're on your way to look at something else... "oh look! A lovely sunset!". Ah how nice.

This very bloody sunset took place on Frankfurter Allee two weeks ago. I like Frankfurter Allee a lot, but I think I may be in the minority. What makes this sunset important is that it marked THE END OF SUMMER. I've started wearing gloves.