Victim Of Senseless Nostalgia

I was just in the supermarkt (exciting, thrilling life) and noticed these "English Style" (because of course they don't have them anywhere else in Britain) Salt and Vinegar crisps.
I couldn't help it, I fell into a sort of drooling hypnosis and bought them.
I made three big mistakes.
Mistake 1:
I should've been warned off by the word "chips".
Mistake 2:
Salt & Vinegar crisps NEVER come in red bags.
Mistake 3:
I'm not known as "the Karlheinz Stockhausen of food" so I should stop experimenting.


Next time I will be buying the Scottish, Welsh or Irish style ones.

I shall not be buying them again, ever. Nauseating.
Although I ate half of them (reflex action).
Please excuse me while I go and incinerate the remnants of the pack.

BAKED!

I've been away from this blog for a long time. Several seasons have passed, I've travelled all over the place, eaten some incredibly disturbing food, discovered more best music ever, started to learn German, bought too many records, drawn a lot of (but not enough) drawings, danced with penguins, played chess with squirrels and what was it that made me finally post here again? What astounding, shocking revelatory event slapped me around the face and brought me back here?

Well I'll tell you.
I was in Kaiser's the other day and I saw they sell HEINZ BAKED BEANS. To think of all the times I almost violated the maximum baggage weight flying back from London with 6 cans in my suitcase when all along the answer simply lay on Schonhauser Allee!

It's such good news it's almost deeply upsetting - in a good way!
And they even have a German label.
Why do they have a German label though?
Surely no Germans eat them.
I've only seen Germans laugh at them.
Maybe that's why they buy them.
Bored Germans needing something to laugh at in the kitchen?

Nothing Rhymes with Porridge

So, here is winter in Berlin. Winter is here. No doubt about it.
But where's the snow? At the moment, the weather's pretty much like London - but worse! Cycling through the city, miniscule droplets of freezing water vapor crystalize on my face making me grimace like a confused gargoyle, but at least the pedestrians turn and flee when they see me trundling towards them.

A few weeks ago, a worrying thought occurred to me.
"No porridge in Berlin. I need porridge. Winter come. Need porridge. Must find porridge". Seriously - that's exactly how it occurred, word for word.

And find porridge I did. Except here it's called Kölln Flocken. The bag that I've almost finished is called Kölln Flocken anyway. Not sure if they're all called that, or even exactly what it means. Maybe each bag has a different name. Modern art. That's ok, I'll memorise the colours instead. Maybe it means "flakes of Cologne", in which case I should probably go to a doctor tomorrow.

So yes, it's exactly the same as porridge and exactly as cheap as it should be, it works out at about 7c a bowl, not that I'm trying to save money or anything. Of course not!
Spend! spend! spend!
It's tough to make porridge LOOK attractive though - hence the candles.
Nice huh? I do it every day!

schmalz? ... SCHMALZ!

Until very recently I had no idea that something actually called SCHMALZ even existed.
It's been lurking in the fridge for weeks. Looked innocent enough, but with huge potential for being hideous. In addition, none of The Germans could adequately describe what it really was, other than"it's Schmalz!".

So what's it like?
Not bad. Nice even.
It tastes like fried onions!
How about that then?